1. Mating & Breeding
2. Mocking Order
3. Auto-Flattery
4. Decision Mistaking
5. Anti-Reality
6. Anti-Unknowns
7. Anti-Happiness
Understanding Your Pet Earthling
Hans Ness arrived on Earth about 350 miles outside of Area 51. To better understand humans, he got a BA in Psychology at the University of California. Originally he taught writing and literature to 7th-12th grade juveniles. Now he develops curriculum for critical thinking (mind control), and he is the tech founder of the JupiterEd.com learning platform. He also creates psychology videos on TikTok to make earthlings more logical subjects. He resides in Pacifica, California. — [email protected]

Sofia Komarenko (narisofka) arrived on Earth in Siberia, then took an assignment in Poland for her BA, and is now stationed in Valencia, Spain for her MA. She is a commercial illustrator and digital creator. She abducts aspiring illustrators for tutoring and mentoring, and she has published a picture book for human larva in Poland. —  Portfolio

Criticism & Discussion

All good science is receptive to criticism, so please comment to point out any flaws, gaps, contradictions, or just plain wrong dumbheadedness. Let me offer a few starter topics and preemptive rebuttals:

Armchair Psychology — I love psychology books that curate peer-reviewed empirical studies with long bibliographies. This is not one of those books. My goal here is to reframe concepts in a way that is useful for our understanding. But usefulness is subjective, not a question of right or wrong. For comparison, the Periodic Table of Elements is a useful way to organize the chemical elements to see their similarities and relations, but it is not the only model; there are different ways to chart the elements, all of them correct and useful in their own way, but none of them perfect. Similarly, my perspective here is just one more model, which I hope is useful to some.

Oversimplified — Just for laughs, I wrote the aliens to overgeneralize and sometimes outright misperceive us. It’s satire, so please don’t take the aliens literally. Read the commentary after each chapter for a somewhat more “serious” explanation.

Scope — My goal is to point out some interesting (and funny) aspects of human behavior from a new perspective. I focus mainly on broad general trends that describe many people much of the time, but not necessarily everyone or all of the time, and without getting sidetracked into all the exceptions or cultural trends that come and go. A map is a model that omits detail from the real world so it is easier to see certain information, like a map to the stars’ homes. Like a map, I hope I have omitted enough detail to reveal the more interesting factors of human behavior.

Cynical — In week one of psychology class, you learn that Freud said we are by nature selfish and impulsive with fragile egos, controlled by our subconscious, that boys want to kill their fathers and sleep with their mothers, and girls wish they had a penis and want to sleep with their fathers. So, yeah, psychologists are not known for their rosy outlook. The goal of psychology is to recognize our natural flaws, not deny or dismiss them, so that we may manage them and become better people.

People as Animals & Property — If you like humans being the most intelligent beings in the universe, you may be offended by this treatise. We humans treat pets as property, putting them on leashes and in cages, even as we love and dote on them. So imagine how significantly smarter aliens would treat us humans as “lesser animals”. I chose this perspective for comedy, not commentary or allegory. All races are depicted as property and being subjugated.

© 2021 Hans Ness